Behind The Scenes: What You Don't See In The Books
by FebruarySnowFlower
Summary: What does Artemis, Butler, and Holly do when you're not looking? Stupid stuff of course! Read this to find out! And understand the fat guy Moe.....Warning! Charactors are way OOC and there is much randomness.
1. Fun at Tim Hortons

**Yep. It's me. This time I'm here with my friend who will remain anonnymous (sp?). We're writing our first Artemis Fowl story, basically what we say to each other to get them to laugh. Read and er...Review or we will have your head.**

**Disclaimer: We own Nothing! Not Artemis...Not Butler...you get the idea.**

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One day Artemis and Butler were skipping down the street (and holding hands) doing who knows what (or who...whoops not rated K anymore) Suddenly Butler got the strangest craving for a donut. Lucky for him there was a Tim Hortons nearby. Unlucky for him Artemis had no wish to enter the donut store.

Artemis turned the corner and began skipping the other way. Butler cast an aprehensive glance behind him at the Tim Hortons, whimpering as they left it.

Suddenly a creepy warehouse type building showed up. Artemis , scheming as usual, decided to go in the creepy warehouse type building to well...scheme. Butler missed Tim.

Wanting to get a donut Butler said, "Artemis...can we go back to Tim Hortons?"

Artemis turned to face him. "No," said he ," We need to scheme!"

Butler whimpered, then thought of an excuse. "But I really gotta _goooo_!"

"What do you mean _gooo_?"

Butler whimpered again.Then he began to do the _potty_ dance.

Artemis snorted. "I told you to go before we left Fowl Manor!"

"But...Artemis! I gotta go really bad!"

Artemis sighed. "Fine. But don't be gone to long. We don't know when...I don't know. Something bad might happen."

Butler quickly loped back to the Tim Hortons. He wanted to hurry because he was being paid to protect Artemis. He opened the door to see only one fat guy at the counter. He sighed thinking that this would go really fast, but unknown to him the fat guy was really Moe! The fatman of the coffe shop! (Phantom of the Opera Parody we made up)

Butler got in line behind Moe! (DUN-DUN-DUN) Ahead of him he heard the murmerings between Moe and the Horton clerk (P.S. I'm high on caffinated soda a.k.a Pepsi!)

"Uhh...I'll have fourty custom donuts," Said Moe counting to fourty.

"Will all of those be different?" asked the Horton guy in his Horton shirt.

"Uhh...I guess...The first one has got to have white filling... Not too much... Exactly thirty ounces. Then the icing must be white ...a cotton shade of white...and the sprinkles gotta be chocolate...thirty sprinkes only, all only a half inch long."

Butler stared at Moe horrified as he slowly stated what he wanted. Butler was trapped in Tim Hortons, and if anything happened to Artemis he could not help.

* * *

Artemis tapped his foot impatiently as he waited for Butler to return. He had a feeling that his manservant/bodygaurd wasn't actually using the _potty._ He was probably getting a donut. Now what was taking him so long? Sure it was a fast foodish type restaurant, and usually they take forever, but forever isn't usually this long. Maybe he was behind some fat guy who wanted fourty donuts and was a picky, yet piggy eater...

Suddenly a man stepped in front of Artemis holding a gun. He lifted his gun and pionted it at Artemis's head, which surprisingly wasn't large even though he was a genius.

"What are you doing," Artemis inquired, even though he knew what was coming.

The man scoffed. "Why I'm going to shoot you!"

Artemis snorted. "You can't do that."

"Why not?"

"Butlers not here."

"...So?"

Artemis nearly slapped his forehead in frustration. "Butler has to intervine the shot."

"Why?"

"Because thats how the book goes you moron! We cannot defy what Eoin has written! That would almost be going against our very existence itself."

"...Huh?"

Artemis then finally slapped his forehead. "Just don't shoot until Butler gets here."

"Okay. How long will that be?"

"It depends on the person in front of him in the line, which he very obviously is getting a donut at that very Tim Hortons down the street."

"...Excuse me?"

Artemis could have banged his head on the wall nearby. "Never mind. Just wait for Butler."

"Okay."

* * *

"...And for my tenth donut I'll have A jelly roll! I like jelly rolls! My grandma gave me my very first jelly roll...It's a long story...let me tell you!" Moe exclaimed. "It all started..."

Butler shook his head in agony. Something could happen to Artemis. He could feel it. Something was happening now. He tapped Moe on the shoulder.

Moe turned. "How Rude of you!" He yelld at Butler, obviosly blind. What idiot would yell at a scary looking man? "Do not interrupt me when I'm talkin you rude man!" Moe turned back to Horton guy. "Now on my jelly roll...I want it to be grape jelly. Freshly squeezed..."

Butler was trying to keep calm. It would all pay off when he had that donut in grasp. He could only pray that his principle hadn't run into any trouble yet.

* * *

Artemis looked at a watch. Butler had been gone for a half an hour. How long would this be? Surly not much longer. Henoticed the gunman chewing something.

"What are you doing?" Artemis asked.

The gunman stared at him. "Who me?"

"_Nooo_...the flying lampost."

"Flying lampost! Where?"

"I was being sarcastic you fool."

"Oh...Okay...What's sarcastic?"

Artemis was about to run to the Tim Hortons, grab Butler, and leave the whole city behind. But then again he couldn't run there...he had no physical skill whatsoever...

Just then the gunman blew a pink bubble. So he was chewing gum. The gunman pulled out a stick of gum and held it to Artemis.

Artemis stared at the gum. "What do you want me to do about it?"

The gunman shook it. "Take it."

Artemis cast a weary glance over his shoulder. "I don't know...I really shouldn't."

"Come on. Who's gonna know?"

"But...what about Butler?"

"He won't find out. Come on."

Doing what no little kid should do when facing strangers or gunmen he took the gum. He ate it. Oh great, now he was choking on a stupid piece of gum. Where was Butler when you needed him?

* * *

"...Number Twenty-Nine should be a wheel. I want multicolored sprinkles. Only red, pink, blue, and green...wait ...make that lime green."

Butler looked at his watch. Maybe he should leave...No! He spent too much time waiting for that donut, and he wasn't going to give up now damn it! He was going to wait this through...No matter how long.

* * *

After about two seconds Artemis had been relieved of his gum that had been choking him. Luckily the gun man had known the heimlich manuever. Now they sat there throwing rocks into the street.

Suddenly the gunman asked , "Can I shoot you now?"

"Haven't we been through this before? Not till Butler gets here."

"Oh okay...do you have any cards?"

Artemis raised an eyebrow. "Why do you ask?"

* * *

"Number Thirty-Five has to be..."

Butler was keeping himself calm. But there was good news here. Moe was at thirty-five...Only five more to go. He was counting the seconds. Hopefully Artemis was safe.

* * *

"Got any fives?" Asked the gunman who was currently losing to Artemis at an exciting game of Go Fish! Wee!

Artemis shook his head gleefully. "No. Go Fish."

Suddenly he sensed something. Like someone was watching him. He looked up to see a small flicker of light. He cleared his throat. "Show yourself fairy." He said.

The gunman was confused as usual. "Wha'd you say? Fairies?"

Artemis ignored him and continued looking for the flicker again. Finaly the fairy unshielded themself and they revealed themself to be none other than Holly Short! OMG!

Artemis raised his eyebrow again.(My friend hates that. She thinks she's the only one who can do that. She a crazy fool) "What are you doing here Holly?"

"I have no idea. The author of this fanfic just randomly stuck me here."

"Oh."

"So...ummmm...what are you guys doing?"

"Well this gunman here, " Artemis indicated the gunman who waved ," tried to shoot me, but I told him that he couldn't because Butler wasn't here, and of course Butler has to intervine the shot because that's how Eoin Colfer writes it and we can't defy him, but the gunman didn't understand. Then he gave me gum and I started choking on it, but luckly he knew the heimlich maneuver, and I didn't die, and we threw rocks in the street, and then we started playing Go Fish, and then he asked for fives, and then I saw a flicker of light, and I said 'Show yourself fairy' and you showed up, and you said you were randomly put here and then you asked what we were doing, and then I said this entirely long and pointless sentence."

Holly looked confused. She decided to just say , "So uhhh...You said something about Go Fish. MInd if I join you?"

Artemis shrugged. "Sure, be my guest."

* * *

"...And Number Thirty-Seven is..."

Butler was so close now. He could almost taste the donut. Just three more orders for Moe and then the donut would be all his.

* * *

Artemis was losing. He could not believe it. Holly and the gunman combined were beating him! He had to cheat somehow...

Suddenly a random dude in a tuxedo started walking by. Artemis formed a plan. "Hey look," he exclaimed ," Isn't that Butler."

The gunman turned. "No! He can't come! I'm beating you!" Then the gunman turned and shot the dude, knocking him down. When the gunman wasn't looking Artemis took a few of his cards.

Artemis then turned to Holly. "Whoops. That wasn't Butler. You had better go heal him before he dies." Holly grumbled but soon got up and healed the man. While she was gone Artemis stole a few of her cards, thus putting him in the lead.

Holly returned and counted her cards. "Hey? Am I missing any cards?"

Artemis shook his head. "Nope. It's just your imagination."

Holly looked at him suspiciously but shrugged. "Okay, go on."

Artemis eyed her. "Do you have any threes?"

Holly was shocked! She had exactly three threes! She gave them all to Artemis and hung her head in despair. "D'Arvit."

* * *

"...Okay...Number Thirty-Nine..."

Butler was nearly dancing in glee. Who knew that a donut could make a man so happy? Then he heard some words from Moe...

"Wait...wat number was I on...?"

Butler was shocked. Then he prayed that Moee would miracusaly remember what number he was on. Butler was so close to the donut.

"...Crap I can't remember what number I'm on...I guess I'll have to start over..."

Butler was now seething. He suddenly yelled "Screw It!" and ran out of the Tim Hortons.

Moe stared at the spot where Butler had stood for over four hours. "What's his problem?"

* * *

Artemis, Holly, anf the gunman looked up. They could've sworn they heard a loud exclamation of the words Screw It. Artemis turned to Holly. "Am I crazy or did you hear 'Screw It' too."

Holly looked him. "Really? I thought I heard 'Screw you'."

Artemis stared at her mortified, "You want to...er...screw me?" (Woah! Definetly rated K right there)

Holly's eyes grew to the size of watermelons, and she smacked Artemis. She mockingly asked ,"Do you want some lollipops with that?" (I love that part in the first book XD) Artemis glared at her, when a shadow fell over him. He looked up to see a very angry looking Butler.

"How'd your trip to the _potty_ go?" Artemis asked.

Butler glared at nothingness. "I'd rather not talk about it."

Holly looked up and waved. "Hi Butler."

Butler looked down at Holly. "Hi Holly." Then his eyes cast over the gunman. "Who's he?"

Artemis stood up. "Oh him? He's supposed to shoot me, but we were wait-" He never got to finish because as soon as he said the shoot thing Butler jumped on the gunman and began to pulverize him whilst yelling "Die!"

Holly and Artemis watched, and soon pulled out popcorn to eat while watching the _quote:_ "show". Soon the gunman was nothing more than a pile of dust, so to speak.

Butler approached Artemis. "We should leave now." Artemis nodded. He turned. "Bye Holly." Holly waved. "By mysterious gunman.

The gunman coughed. "Shoot ya later." He was then kicked in the face by Butler as he and Artemis left. Soon Holly left, and the crippled gunman was alone, until he was stepped on by Moe who was passing by with his fourty donuts.

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**There was chapter one. More will be here soon. Please Review...Now!**


	2. Hey Big Spender

**Yup. Here is chapter two. We worked on it at school. She comes up with plot, and I add the comedy! It all works out!**

**Disclaimer: If you have read this, you defiantly know I own nothing……except Moe.

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It had been two days since they had been to Tim Hortons. Two long dull days, where nothing happened, except that the Trix Rabbit still didn't get his Trix. Damn those kids.

Anyway, after two days had passed, Artemis realized that he didn't scheme on the day. He really needed to. So while he and Butler were walking around a different city, he began to look for places.

Butler, meanwhile, stopped at every water fountain to get a drink. He bought a drink at every pop machine, and he stole a vanilla coke from some kid, who needed vanilla to live, because of some imaginary disease. The kid died after he didn't get his vanilla that day.

Soon, after a while, the water built up in Butler. This time, he really had to go to the bathroom. He tapped Artemis on the shoulder and requested to go.

Artemis snorted. "This isn't another one of your escapades to fake having to go to the bathroom, but really to go buy a donut, is it?"

Butler shook his head. "I don't eat donuts any more. Not since……" he trailed off shivering, at the thought of Moe.

Artemis raised an eyebrow. (My friend was proved wrong that she was the only one so ha!...sorry. continuing.) "Are you sure Butler? How can I trust you?"

"Would a face like this lie to you?" Butler asked, picking up a kitten, and lifted it to Artemis's face. The kitty mewled, and then jumped away, leaving to go kill something.

"No, I guess a face like that wouldn't lie to me. Ok. You can go. But you have to be back in five minutes, or I'm coming for you!" Artemis finished the statement in a spooky voice. Butler was unfazed. Artemis had no physical skill what so ever.

The body guard ran off to a Burger King, and ran to the bathroom hallway. There were three doors. On labeled 'Women', one labeled 'Men', and one labeled 'Bodyguards'. Butler went in the bodyguards' room, and went. Suddenly he heard a wheezing noise. He got a bad feeling about it.

* * *

Artemis was counting the seconds. This could be just like last time, if one wasn't careful. Even a creepy warehouse stood behind him. Wait. He could just do his scheming now, and then go get Butler. 

After all, the gunman and he had gone through so much together, enough to have a moment good enough to be labeled Kodak! He doubted that any one would shoot him today….because…..well…..I don't feel like telling you that! So ha!

He approached the ware house, when suddenly two figures ran out. Well one actually flew out, but the same thing. As they got closer they revealed themselves to be Tony the Tiger, and Toucan Sam!

Tony ran up to Artemis and grabbed him by the shoulders and said, "What ever you do, do not go in that warehouse!"

Artemis was confused. "Why?"

Tony shook him harder. "Because it's not grrrrreat!"

Sam shivered. "Follow your nose and get out of here!" he yelled. Tony dropped Artemis, and ran off, followed by the Toucan. They were soon hit by a bus, and were mourned buy many children who watch their commercials.

Artemis was curious. He peeked in the warehouse. It was dark and dusty. Perfect for scheming. In the center of the room there was a light switch. Artemis went inside. The door behind him shut, but he ignored it.

Needing light, he pulled the switch, and the light came on. He sighed. Then an eerie sound was heard. The sound was turned into music. The music turned slow and sexy sounding. Artemis gulped.

* * *

Butler heard a man gasping. There was a loud thud, and then a frustrated sound. Butler peered out his stall door to see a man. A man he recognized. The very man who haunted his dreams at night, taunting him with visions of donuts. 

"Moe!" Butler gasped. (Come on. Who didn't see that coming?)

Moe looked up. "Hey I know you! You're that rude guy who likes to yell screw it!"

Butler was shaking. Once again he was in a room with Moe. Once again he was with the fat man of the coffee shop. Butler needed to leave this bathroom fast.

Butler looked down at Moe who was sitting in front of the door, blocking his escape. "Moe, can you move so I can get out?"

Moe sighed. "You see, I've been trying to leave, but after I take five steps I get tired and have to sit down."

Butler wished this wasn't happening. "Can you get up now?"

Moe shook his head. "Nope. Not for another four hours."

Butler decided he would move Moe himself. He threw a punch at Moe's gut, but to his horror, the fat seemed to swallow his hand. He pulled, and pulled until his hand finally came out. Then he realized that once again he was stuck alone in a room with Moe for four hours. Butler could have sobbed.

* * *

Artemis was frozen in horror, as a woman emerged out of no where, in what seemed to be a black swim suite, black high heels, and black fishnet stockings. Did I mention that it was black? 

The woman seemed to walk in the beat of the music, until she began to sing. "_The minute you walked in the joint"_ (insert two dance kicks here) "_I could see you were a man of distinction, a great big spender."_ (If any of you have heard the Broad Way song Hey Big Spender, you know what this is.)

Artemis interrupted the woman. "Hey, I haven't been in the "joint" for a minute. And since when were drugs involved?"

The woman ignored him. _"Good Looking, so refined."_

Artemis coughed. "Okay, so I am good looking, but…."

The woman began to dance closer to Artemis. _"So let me get right to the point. I don't pop my cork for every man I see."_

Artemis was becoming nervous. "Heh…No cork popping now. Resist the urge. I command you! Resist it!"

The woman got closer, and cornered Artemis. "_Hey big spender, Spend a little time with me."_

Artemis was sweating. "Tony was right! This isn't grrrrreat!"

* * *

Butler was throwing punches left and right at Moe. The fat man absorbed every blow the body guard could offer. 

Then suddenly the music that was playing for Artemis began playing in the restroom. Moe began snapping his fingers.

"Hey, it's kind of catchy." The fat man observed. He then got up and began to dance the way the woman did.

If you have never seen an extremely fat man try to dance sexily, then you're lucky. Butler, however, was not lucky. He started screaming really loud. Soon there was a hole in the wall, in the shape of Butler, running away as fast as he could.

* * *

Artemis was climbing bunches of boxes, trying to escape the woman. (Wait hold up. Artemis climbing! Oh well, continuing) When he was perched high enough he looked down to see the woman staring at him with cat eyes. 

Then, by writers magic, Holly appeared in the warehouse. "Hey Artemis, I-" she started, but could not finish when she saw the scene in front of her. "Oh I'm sorry! I didn't mean to interrupt! I'll be leaving!" She then ran away.

"Noooooooo," Artemis wailed. "Save me Holly!"

* * *

Butler was running back to the creepy ware house, when he accidentally ran into Holly. Literally. After helping her up Butler inquired about the warehouse. 

Holly was red. "You don't want to go in there." She said.

"Why not?"

"No reason." Holly stammered quickly. Butler glared at her. "Okay, there's some girl in there who's hitting on Artemis."

They both looked in and saw Artemis hiding on the boxes, and the scandalously dressed woman calling for him.

"What are we going to do?" Butler questioned nothingness. Then as if to answer him, a mob of angry children ran in and surrounded the woman.

The woman raised an eyebrow. (Yay! More eyebrow ness) "What do you brats want?"

The kids said in unison, "You killed Tony and Sam!" They then swarmed her, attacking and biting. It was her fault that their heroes had died, and now they would never have the urges to randomly eat Frosted Flakes, and Fruit Loops again. They beat her up, and soon the woman disappeared.

Butler ran in and grabbed Artemis. As he was running away with the boy he yelled. "No more fast food restaurants or creepy ware houses."

Artemis yelled, "I agree! I need Tea!" And they had tea, and were joined by Holly. Soon the vile city was behind them and they would never go back, until the next time…… (Dun-Dun-Dun!)

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**OK. That was a little wired, but still 'twas ours. Please review.**


	3. It Takes Two to Tango

**Here is Chapter three! I say wee! WEE! Ok here chapter.**

**Disclaimer: If I owned anything, pigs would fly, with out the help of technology.

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Butler had just gone to re-hab. There he met plenty of fun characters like, Mr. Sock Puppet. He and sock puppet went every where together, like Disney Land! There they learned to ride a tricycle, and it all worked in clearing Butlers mind of the awful images of Moe's sexy dance.

Of course Artemis could have just called Foaly to mind wipe Butler of the incident, but why would he do that? After all, this is our fanfic. And we say Butler went to re-hab so meh!

Anyway, Butler was finally released, but re-hab had to keep Mr. Sock Puppet. Butler vowed that one day he would return for his friend.

But to celebrate his body guard's release coughtesthimforanyproblemsre-habwouldhavemissedcough Artemis took Butler to a fancy restaurant, a.k.a Long John Silvers! The caviar store was closed so this was the closest Artemis could get to fish eggs for himself. And yep, they both dumbly thought they were going to be safe.

Just as they were sitting, the gunman (you know, the stupid one who likes to play Go Fish) popped up and slung Artemis over his shoulder. Luckily Artemis never holds the tray so none of the food was spilled. Phew.

"Hey! What are you doing! Put him down!" yelled Butler. A mysterious duo from another table hushed him.

"What are you talking about?" the gunman asked "You're Butler right?"

"Yes…" Butler said confused.

"Well, Artemis said that I couldn't do anything until you were here. Well you're here, so I can take Artemis." The gunman looked down at the boy in question "Does that make sense, or am I doing something wrong?"

"Wow!" said Artemis, "You actually used a dictionary and found out what I told you that day? I'm impressed!"

"Thank you," said the gunman, "I went back to kindergarten."

"Congratulations," Artemis turned to Butler, "Well I supposed that I did say he couldn't do anything to me unless you were here, so he does have a point. I have to leave. Bye Butler! See you later." Artemis waved as the gunman carried him out of the fishy restaurant.

Butler stared, dumbfounded.

* * *

The gunman threw Artemis into a dark cell, as he laughed and sang the alphabet. He did it very well for his IQ level actually. He got two letters right! A and P! Good for him!

Artemis couldn't see anything. He crawled around a bit, but then he decided to feel around for stuff. Soon he felt something round, like a ball. He squeezed it, and heard a female squeak.

"Watch where you're grabbing!"

Artemis' face turned redder than red. It was sort of a red, with a hint of purple. Too much purple and it could've been maroon, but it wasn't. The point is Artemis was extremely embarrassed.

Then the lights flicked on, and he saw the girl for whom she was. It was……Opal Koboi! She glared at him, while clutching her foot.

"You could've seriously damaged my heel with that grip of yours," she growled.

"Oh thank god." Artemis sighed

* * *

Butler felt a hand on his shoulder. He turned to see it was……come on, if you don't guess it I'll kill you in your sleep……with a flamethrower……….Moe.

Butler shrieked, bad images popping into his mind. Oh he missed Mr. Sock Puppet. They could go to Disneyland again, and ride trikes! But Mr. Sock Puppet was gone forever…..Butler sobbed.

"Uhhhhh…." Moe began, "I'm supposed to boost your confidence some how…….with a moral…..but I forgot……and I'm confused."

Suddenly, the mysterious duo came up. They were both wearing trench coats and hats so you couldn't see their faces. One went up to Moe.

"You're never going to get this right," said she, for she was most obviously a girl, "Just take the money and leave." She handed him a five-dollar bill. Moe yipped in joy, and hobbled to Tim Horton's for Jelly Rolls.

Butler stared at the girls in the trench coats. "Who are you?"

They both took off their hats and trench coats, to reveal….two girls! But they weren't random. Ohhh, far from random.

One of them, with brown hair down to her shoulders tied in a pony tail approached Butler. She grinned and waved like an idiot, for she was an idiot.

"I'm Waffler!" she squeaked, before bursting out in idiotic fits of laughter for no apparent reason.

The other one, with short frizzy dark hair approached Butler and said "I'm Harmonious Rose." She then turned and smacked Waffler on the head, and Waffler muttered some dark words about fooling Oreos.

Butler was dumbstruck. "Why are you here?"

Harmonious Rose snorted. "You are an extremely bad bodyguard! Are you just gonna stand and let that gunman run away with your principle?"

"This is what Moe was saying!" Waffler pointed out dramatically like an idiot.

"But….you…him….How do you people know this stuff!" Butler stuttered, asked, and yelled at the same time.

"Well, we're the authors of this….but Moe…" Harmonious Rose trailed off.

"What about Moe?" Butler asked.

Waffler put her hands on her hips. "Oh, come on! You out of all people Butler? Didn't you ever wonder what he was doing in the bodyguard's restroom?"

"No!" said Butler, "I was to busy throwing up at the effects of his dance." He thought for a moment and then looked back up. "Is Moe a bodyguard?"

"A fat man like him!" shrieked Waffler, "Hell no."

"Then, what _was_ he doing in the bodyguard's bathroom?"

Waffler shook her head. "You don't want to know. It involves the death of too much chocolate."

"Anyway, we're just here to make you go save Artemis with a good attitude" said Harmonious Rose. Then both girls pushed Butler out the door. Butler shrugged and ran off to save Artemis.

* * *

Artemis noticed that Opal wasn't wearing her normal clothes. She was wearing a blue, red, and black ruffled dress, that was uneven at the skirt. She wore red feathers in her hair, and big dangling earrings, and let the sleeves off at her elbows.

"That dress is a little risqué', don't you think?" asked Artemis appalled. He didn't want a repeat of the 'Big Spender' incident.

"Risqué?" Opal asked, finally doubtful of something.

"Revealing?" Artemis said, wondering why Opal didn't understand.

Opal pulled a dictionary out of the neck of her dress. "Ah! Here we are! Revealing: to expose or view; show." Opal shot Artemis a glance "Are you looking at what I'm showing?"

Artemis was red again. "No…I…you…ugh never mind."

"Right," Opal said with a wink, "So do you want to Tango?"

"No, we can't do that." said Artemis.

"Why can't I? I can do whatever the author of the fanfic says, and I'm pretty sure she-"

Harmonious Rose ran in. "Hey! There are two of us!"

Opal shrugged. "-_they_ want me to Tango."

"It takes two to Tango, Opal" said Artemis smirking. For some reason Opal didn't scare Artemis, like the lady in the warehouse. Probably because he knew Opal, and loved to piss her off.

"Yeah," said Opal, "There _are_ two of us."

Just then Tango music started playing, and Holly ran in yelling "AAaaaaarrrrruuuuba!" She wore a bright red dress, and her hair was pulled back with a red flower. Using her finger cymbals she danced around.

Butler soon popped up. He looked around very confusedly.

"Hey Big Boy! Come dance with us!" yelled Opal.

Butler gasped. "What are you doing here Opal? And did you just call me Big Boy?"

"Yes I did call you Big Boy, Big Boy. Now dance with us!" Opal ran back to Artemis and started forcing him to dance.

Butler shrugged. "If you can't beat em', join em'." He than ripped off his suit, to reveal a disco outfit. He stood there with his pointer finger pointing into nothingness.

Artemis sighed. "Butler this is _Tango_, not _Disco_."

"Oh," said Butler, and he ripped off his disco outfit to reveal a suit identical to his first one. He ran over to Holly, and started dancing with her.

Just then the gunman ran in, and saw all the Tangoing. He was going to sob because he had no partner, but then he spotted Harmonious Rose still standing there. He ran over there and started Tangoing with her.

Just then, to purposely ruin the moment, Waffler ran in holding something. "Look what I found!" she shrieked. In her hand was a sock, two button eyes, and a sharpie mouth.

"Mr. Sock Puppet!" shrieked Butler. He lunged at Waffler, who was running away screaming. Harmonious Rose had to run after her friend so she did. Artemis had to run after Butler so he did, but not very well I might add.

Crying because he was alone again, the gunman ran after Harmonious Rose, hoping to get her phone number and some money. Doing it because every body else was Holly and Opal ran out.

It was a big line that ran through the street, until finally Waffler escaped with Mr. Sock Puppet. Harmonious Rose knew where she was and went there.

Butler cried, because he had almost seen his long lost friend again. Artemis comforted him, and they returned to Fowl Manor.

Butler decided that it was time for Artemis to stop being the target for everything, so he decided that the next day he would give him some self-defense lessons.

* * *

**Yep. I have revealed that my friend is Harmonious Rose. You should check out her stories. They're good. Please review.**


	4. Self Defense Classes

**Ok. So my guinea pig died yesterday. We don't know why, it was really random, but it will not stop me from updating……just delay me. So, here's the update.**

**Disclaimer: I own everything!...Not!

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Everything was peacefully quiet. The moon was hidden only by one cloud, and everything slept, except for the raccoons which are nocturnal. Yay nocturnal! Anyway, everything was extremely quiet by Fowl Manor.

Then, as you guessed it, something ruined the peace. A loud trumpet sounded through the halls, really loudly. Artemis, who was asleep, screamed, before bumping his head on a ceiling panel, and slumping to the ground.

"OoOh, Itsssth time to milk da gold fishie." He muttered in his state of semi-consciousness.

That's when Butler walked in holding the trumpet, revealing that he was the trumpeter. Artemis rubbed his head before rising and looking at a clock.

"Butler its four A.M.! Explain yourself," Artemis yelled.

Butler snorted. "I told you last night that we were going to give you self defense classes."

"But I don't wanna!" Artemis said in the whiney voice of a two-year-old.

"Too bad, it's for your own good, so people like that gunman don't have you at gunpoint, or randomly take you anymore."

"Oh, fine," said Artemis, "But what was the trumpet for?"

"Well I thought that I should treat you like you were in boot camp, so-"

"What? Did you say boot camp?" interrupted Artemis.

"Yes…." Said Butler

"Now way! I can't wear boots," protested the rich boy, "They totally clash with my designer Armani Suit! I mean come on; most boots are brown, or midnight black. They are also too mountain Manish, and that does not go with pale black dress suits.

"There's such a color as pale black?" asked Butler, again dumbfounded.

"Duh! Everybody who's anybody knows that!"

"Whatever," Butler shrugged, "We need to start your self-defense classes." He then pulled out a whistle and blew really loudly.

"FOR GOD'S SAKE!" shouted Artemis Fowl Sr. from two stories up "STOP THAT DAMN NOISE, I'M TRYING TO SLEEP!"

Artemis shot Butler a ha-see-I-told-you-so-you-have-to-stop-because-my-dad-said-to-and-you-can't-disobey-him-because-he'll-dock-your-pay-so-that-takes-care-of-that grin.

Butler ignored it. "Ten-Hup! To the Gym! High knees! Let's March! NOW! Move it, move it, move it!"

Artemis tried to March, but in the end Butler picked him up and carried him to the gym, because Artemis has no physical skill whatsoever, and he was wasting valuable time trying.

When they finally got to the gym, (Which one needs a map to get there, because it's a Manor for Pete's sake) Butler put Artemis down in a standing position, and brushed the dust off of his shoulder. Artemis sneezed like a cat, sneezing, but it's like a really tiny little squeak.

"Okay," began Butler, "Let's say I was a bad guy, and I was going to shoot you. Your bodyguard is nowhere around, what do you do?"

"That's easy" said Artemis "I sit there and do nothing until you come."

"Uhh, Artemis, we're talking hypothetically, so I'm not coming."

Artemis laughed. "Of course you are silly! That's what my daddy pays you to do. And besides, I've been through this with the gunman before; nobody can touch me until you get there, because that would be defying Eoin Colfer. You wouldn't want to defy him now would you?"

Butler sighed. "Artemis, your changing the topic."

Artemis ignored him, for a thought just struck him in the head. "Hey, if nobody can touch me if you're not there, then if I got rid of you, nobody would be able to touch me at all."

Butler began to sweat. "Uhh," he fumbled, trying to come up with some excuse so he could keep his job, because he really needed to get paid somehow, "You… can't do… that."

"And why not?" said Artemis smirking, "Who's going to stop me?"

"You would be defying Eoin Colfer if you did that, because he made me be with you." Butler finally managed to come up with.

"Hmmmm, I guess you're right." Said Artemis. Somehow he would find a way so that he could defy Eoin Colfer and nobody else could.

"Ok, back to my question," said Butler, thankful that that moment was over, "The answer is you're supposed to duck. Ducking is an important thing because it helps you avoid things. It was invented back in B.C. by Crag a very noble cave man who-"

Artemis was not listening; instead he was watching a fly, which kept bumping into the light on the ceiling, and shocking itself. It amazed Artemis that any creature could actually be that stupid.

"-and so by the 1800's ducking was a very valuable and world renowned technique. So now we're going to practice it. Basically all you have to do is bend your knees and head for the ground, while placing your hands over your head." Butler finished.

"Okay," Artemis said. He was still staring at the fly bumping into the light, which was joined by an orange lady bug, which didn't bump into the light.

Butler snapped his fingers in Artemis's face. "Do you know what I just said?"

"Umm, something about squatting?" Artemis guessed. Butler slapped his forehead.

"Never mind," said Butler, "We'll just go straight to running; you need a lot of practice at that. You will always need the speed an endurance running gives you." Butler then got out his Swiss army knife and made two marks on the floor about 50 yards away.

"Ok, run from one mark to the other as fast as you can." Said Butler.

"What, just like that? Don't I get a fancy count down or something? I think I am worthy of a countdown and I want one so-"

"Onyourmarkgetsetgo!" Butler yelled really fast, because he was getting annoyed. Artemis began pumping his legs and moving his arms. Within moments he was sweating. Soon his lungs gasped for air. The oxygen just seemed to avoid him, and his legs felt like lead. He felt like he should just drop down dead.

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**3 Hours Later:**

"Yes! I did it!" Artemis exclaimed. "I though I would never make it but I did!"

"Uhh….Artemis-"

"Wow! This is a new record for me! I only tripped 482 times!"

"Artemis-"

"I mean really, how many 14-year-old boys can say they can run 50 yards in less than 4 hours? I'm not only a mental prodigy; I'm a physical prodigy too! Who would have guessed?"

"ARTEMIS!" Screeched Butler, trying to get the boy to shut up.

"What? You don't have to yell."

"Sorry to burst your bubble," said the bodyguard, "but you only ran 2 inches."

"Really?"

"Yeah, you-"

"GO ME!" Artemis yelled.

"That's not a good thing, That's very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very,-"

"Ok, I get it!" Snapped Artemis, "There's a lot of very's so get to the point."

"-very very pathetic." Finished Butler.

"….oh," said Artemis, his head drooping.

Just then you-know-who ran through the door…guess…guess…come on! You can do it!...guess…NO Not Michael Jackson! It's Moe!

"How'd you get here Moe?" asked Butler looking around to see if Harmonious Rose or that weird girl were nearby.

"I'm here to help the boy!" said Moe, "I know just the thing to make anybody exercise better!"

"Really? You know how to fix my sorry state?" asked Artemis.

"Nooo…..But I can make exercising more fun!" Yelled Moe pulling out a stereo, and an exercising band for his forehead. Moe pushed a button on the stereo, and music started playing.

_"Let's get Physical! Physical! Let's get Physical! Physical!"_ sang and danced Moe, to that very annoying and stupid song.

"Not Again," said Butler, beginning to freak out, "Do what you want with me but not the boy! He's not even begun to drive, and he has a full life to live, please don't ruin it with the bad images!"

Artemis shrugged, and walked out of the gym, trying to go order somebody to feed him, since Butler was too preoccupied with his 'guest'. Just then Holly popped up, because she hasn't been in this chapter yet.

"Holly, feed me!" barked Artemis.

Holly shrugged. "What else have I got to do?" And with that the two made off for the kitchen, which was soon to be destroyed, because neither of them have any cooking skill whatsoever.

It was then that Harmonious Rose, and Waffler realized that if Moe didn't leave this chapter would have no ending, so Waffler grabbed a copy of one of the Artemis Fowl books, and ran up behind Moe and smacked him on the head.

Moe went unconscious, and fell to the ground, causing an earthquake.

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**_Somewhere in Antarctica:_** A bunch of penguins were jumping around, when they felt a shudder in the Earth, like an earthquake was happening somewhere in the world. They shrugged and continued doing…..err…..whatever penguins do.

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**_Back at Fowl Manor:_** After the monstrous earthquake, that knocked everybody but two people in the Northern Hemisphere unconscious, Harmonious Rose and Waffler drug away Moe's body, by getting help from a government agency from the Southern Hemisphere. Yay south!

Little did anybody know, but the earth quake disturbed something in the water, and it poured out of the kitchen sink and surrounded Artemis and Butler with a faint yellow glow……

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**Will Artemis ever be physically fit?**

**Will Butler ever join Mr. Sock Puppet again, or get a donut?**

**Will Holly ever have a role in this story that doesn't involve her looking like an idiot?**

**Will Waffler ever get another guinea pig?**

**Will Harmonious Rose ever get to say anything to Artemis, since she told me she wanted too?**

**Will Moe lose weight? (Of course not)**

**Will we ever reveal what happened to Butler and Artemis with the yellow water?**

**Will I ever stop asking stupid questions and let you review?**

**Review and you'll find out.**


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